Musings of a newbie father

As I watch my little baby boy sleeping on the daybed on the other side of the room, I can't help but marvel at this wonderful gift God has given to us. Miguel, or Miggyboy as we fondly call him, appears so peaceful as he stirs yet so animated in ways I can't seem to explain.

I used to think that the only time I can be satisfied with my life was when I have a family of my own and be successful at the same time. Though success is relative to how each person measures it, my own view is somewhat one-sided. My present success is not about the balance of work and family but my total dedication to my first born Miguel Victor.

I have yet to be back at the office for a full eight hours since the Miggy's birth. It's a good thing I can run things in the confines of my small "command center" here at home.

Don't get me wrong. My wife is a full-time mother and has been advocating pure breastfeeding and she has often joked that the only time that she's not with the baby is when she's taking a bathroom break or a bath. Even her Medela breastpump cannot afford her any lengthy time away from Miguel because she chooses not to take that luxury.

Since the time I first laid eyes on my son seconds after he came out up to this very minute I am watching him sleep, I have come to view the world in a different light. I have found meaning and inner peace with being a father. There are no words to explain this feeling-- all the problems in the world would seem so trivial to me every time I'd see my little boy smile. Just the sound of his soft cries and moans is music to my ears, an absolute symphony.



I couldn't ask for more... well except for another baby in a year or two.

Welcome to Dadsville, Veegee!

As my journey to fatherhood reaches its climax come May of this year, I admit that I just came to terms with this whole thought only recently. It’s not because I think I am not ready, nor is it because I don’t like children (I love kids so much that I try to act like one whenever I can). Rather it is the fear I may not be a good father, if not a great one, to my children. Consider it a reversal of the proverbial question addressed to first-time parents “Is my child ready to have me as his/her father?”

The transition from being “the man” to “father” may sound easy but, from where I am standing, that is not the case. Pop culture had often suggested that babies usually don’t come with how-to manuals and FAQs. I’d certainly want to do a good job but where do I start?

I sat on my favorite lounging chair at my parents’ house and was lost in thought. I was imagining and planning in my head the many things I will do when the time comes. Then I caught myself smiling with watery eyes and I realized that everything’s going to be alright.

My little angel will help me be a wonderful dad.

Onward 2007 -- my ode to marriage

Barely three months before I finally kiss bachelorhood goodbye, I cannot help but be overcome with nostalgia. It's not only about what had happened to me last year nor the many deeds (and misdeeds) I have done when I was single but something more spiritual and insightful.

As I reach another milestone in my life, a certain degree of self-examination is in order. I may opt to do a Kristin McCracken and list down the things I want to do before I reach 40 and match it with Andrew Matthews' take on being happy. As much as I would like to indulge and put "climb Mt. Everest" as #12 on my 101 things to do list, I just want to be impulsive and write everything down that will come to mind.

I have come to know in my quarter-life of existence that intellect and rationalilty are just useless tools without passion and devotion. The wonders of life are not seen in the science of the mind alone, we also have to reach deep within our hearts to witness its beauty. To look beyond reason and see the unreason...

The words “I’m sorry” isn’t only an apology but also a binding promise. We tend to take these words for granted and forget that when we utter them we swear we will try our best not to make the same mistake again. Promises are meant to be kept. When we say we are sorry, let us make sure we mean to keep it. 

I also learned the importance of remembering where I came from and what I was before. This may be a cliché to most but in order for one to relish the present, one must value the past and the lessons it has served. As an economist, I’ve come to know the present value of the past. There may be things that we might do in the present which are the consequences of the decisions we have made in the past.

Life is too short to spend it mostly on work. We should learn to prioritize and master the art of time management. Some of us think that it is in achieving and accumulating that we truly feel worthy. Our worth is not based on our success rather it is seen in finding meaning in what we do. Remember that eight hours is enough and that weekends should be spent as far away from work as possible.

We should let go of all our hate! We might hate someone at work, the erring drivers on the road, the government, the table server, or whoever and whatever comes along. Remember hatred begets hatred. Soon enough we might end up hating ourselves as well. Treat each angry episode as a passing thought because that’s all it should be.

Let’s keep our expectations realistic. There’s nothing wrong with aiming high as long as we make sure that if ever we don’t get to reach it we won’t end up falling face first on the pavement. Expectations will sometimes attract disappointment so as long as we know our expectations well, we have a good idea what the consequences will be.

Admiration not envy: there’s a thin line separating these two words. We Filipinos are familiar with crab mentality. Most of us thrive on pulling other people down when we see their lives improving. Instead of thinking ill of their good fortune, we ought to be happy for them. Maybe we can learn from those who have succeeded and apply it in our own lives as well.

Entertain the child in you. There’s always the little kid in all of us. We shouldn’t be ashamed to let them out from time to time. It is proper to act our age when the occasion calls for it but we must not forget that we were all young once. So when you get the chance to act carefree and impulsive, you should indulge. You’ll feel better after. Just make sure you don’t overdo it.

I still have a lot of things on my mind but I guess this will do for now. Our lives do not revolve around perception alone, we must KNOW what kind of person we are and what person we want to be. It is in knowing yourself that you get to choose which path to take. I have long sought for my own happiness and I’ve come to know that the path to happiness isn’t something you find or discover, it is already inside of you.

Loyalty

Loyalty is valued and appreciated by most, but often hard to come by. Below are some suggestions as to how to attract loyal individuals into your life. Notice that many of the suggestions involve your own behavior.

1. Define what it means to you. Loyalty means different things to different people. Determine what it means to you. What does it look like? How does it make you feel? Only then can you truly recognize it and welcome it into your life.

2. Model the behavior that you expect from others. If you practice loyalty and make it a part of your value system, you will easily recognize it in others. Those are the individuals you'll be attracted to.

3. Be true to yourself. Spend time getting to know yourself, taking care of yourself, and standing up for yourself. If you are loyal to YOU - others will be, too.

4. Speak up! If loyalty is what you value, educate those around you. Let them know what is important to you.

5. Accept it! Many of us have so many past hurts that we question every gift that comes our way. We are bitter, and hesitant to accept what others have to offer. Life is too short to live in fear. Open your heart and accept loyalty when it comes your way.

6. Don't tolerate disloyalty. If someone in your life is treating you in a disloyal manner, it's your responsibility to let them know. You owe it to yourself.

7. Life is a journey - allow others the opportunity to change. Some individuals may act in a disloyal manner and, once educated or confronted, will make every effort to shift their behavior. Don't be too hasty to push someone out of your life. You may be forsaking a great potential relationship.

8. Live in the moment. When you live in the moment, your awareness sharpens. You will find loyalty in situations that you never expected.

9. Show gratitude. Acknowledge those in your life who are loyal to you. They will appreciate your feedback.

10. Get a pet! Now this is true loyalty!!

Hooking Up vs. Love

"Hooking Up"
"friends with benefits"
"booty call"

These terms have become all too familiar in today's dating world. Are they words that you can relate to? Have you lived them in some way? If so, how have you felt about the experiences both during and after? Chances are that you have mixed feelings at best. Depending on your age and sex, you may give a somewhat different response to this question. Whatever your answer, a close look at this "dating experience" that impacts so many singles in so many ways may be useful to you as you think about what your long-term relationship goals are and what you REALLY want from a relationship.

So what exactly do these terms mean? "Hooking up" is getting together for sex. There is generally no formal "date" involved. "Friends with benefits" usually refers to two people who are "friends" who also have sex together. Again, there's a distinction between what they share and "dating". "Booty call" usually describes the act of someone calling up another person to come over for sex. The sex doesn't follow dinner, a movie or other "quality" time together, getting to really know each other. It's physical.

Do you define this activity (even loosely) as dating? Has this become a new intimacy for some or many of you? If so, it's important to look at how/if it meets your needs and if it aligns with your basic values and relationship wants and goals.

Begin by asking yourself some core questions, such as:
Am I comfortable with intimacy?
Am I comfortable with a purely physical relationship?
Am I able to be physically involved with someone while remaining emotionally detached?
How do I feel about myself when I engage in this behavior?
Am I doing this to please someone or win his or her affection?
Is monogamy and marriage my goal?

If your answers reflect discordance between how you feel and what you do; it would be helpful to understand the reasons behind your behavior. Do any of these sound familiar?
"It's convenient"
"It's easy"
"It's safe"
"It requires no commitment on my part" I

In addition to these explanations, some singles express a belief that "everyone does it" or "it's expected". Therefore, they often report engaging in it, but not feeling really ok or satisfied afterwards. Others use it as a substitute for real intimacy, referencing their difficulties in meeting and dating in general.

Then there are the people who have sex hoping it will lead to love. This too is a desire for intimacy that can lead to sadness and disappointment and the possibility of contacting a dangerous and life-altering infection. It reminds me of the line in a song, "if I can love you good enough on the outside to make you feel it on the inside, then maybe you will stay..."

Once you have determined what you really want from a relationship you can begin to make clear, thought out choices that will open the path that points in the direction you wish to go. Until you do so, you face the possibility of more disappointing and short-lived encounters that leave you feeling more alone and less hopeful about the possibility for lasting happy love.

Sex is wasted on the horndogs!

Lost In Thought...

I broke my right hand today. I won't be able to use at least two or three fingers when it gets immobilized tomorrow. It's so hard typing with one hand but I guess I'll have get used to it for six weeks. Good thing I'm left-hand dominant or I'll really have a hard time coping up.

So before I start missing my right hand for typing tomorrow, I just want to share some things...

You may not believe it, but to me the world is a revelation. Each day is a gift. We keep fit, take time out to smell the flowers, enjoy the company of friends and family, and look to the future with great eagerness and anticipation. Sometimes it's what we do that matters and not only who we are.

We continually strive to improve ourselves. We are often confused as to what everything is all about and there are times we get overcome with a kind of sadness that we don't understand, clinging instinctively that things will only get better.

It is our utmost desire to be happy. But, today, I'm not.

As I take my pain medication and let its groggy effects put me to sleep, I just hope that tomorrow will be different. I do hope that I'll be happy tomorrow.

---

Happiness is only a feeling, which doesn’t depend on what one has or what one is. Some day when I learn to accept things as they are and appreciate what I have, I guess I may be happy. But it seems impossible to be always happy as one can never be contented with everything.

Love and Stained Glass

I remember some lines from the movie "American Wedding" which somehow made me think that the film wasn't as shallow as I thought it were.

"..you are the one woman I want to be with and the woman I can't be without. I love you."
and

"..Love isn't just a feeling. Love is something you do. It's a dress, a visit to band camp. A special haircut..."

These words stayed in my head long after the movie was over. Not that I haven't heard similar lines before but it kind of reminded me how similar I was to the lead character Jim. No, I didn't try to screw an apple pie nor did I give myself a "special haircut." Though I will plead guilty to being a pervert yet lacking the resolve to act on it. But let's not go there.

Like Jim, I had found the person whom I want to be with and surely can't be without. It doesn't take a genius to explain this feeling. You just feel great and complete when you're with someone you love and yet you feel your world is sad and empty when she's not there at your side. Some might argue that one and one make two and the term "better half" is just a romantic exaggeration of two people in love not surviving without the other. But I believe these things to be true. In this thing we call love there's no me and you, only us. You are in this together. Love is binding.

Which brings me to the second line: Love isn't just a feeling, it's something more than that. Loving someone doesn't only involve the butterflies you feel in your stomach when you're with this person, it also embraces your actions. It's always the little things that count; the one-minute phone call just to ask how she is, the three ice cubes you put in her drink, and the way you securely hold her arm or hand when you cross a busy road. "I LOVE YOU" doesn't end with the phrase itself because it is with "I LOVE YOU" that bigger and better things should start from.

To quote my future mother-in-law when asked what love meant to her she firmly answered, "Love is a decision." I thought about it and I guess she was right. Young lovers may not get to see the wisdom in what she has said, but I found perfect sense in it. When you love someone, you choose to love this person IN SPITE OF. You transcend and decide that she's truly the right one. And Like any decision, you should be ready to accept the consequences of the choice you had made. You must decide wholeheartedly and no one should decide but YOU.

In everything that you do put GOD first. Love is no exception. Ask God to guide you in finding the right person and it is by loving HIM first and above all that you are earnestly ready to love another. And when you do get to find that special someone, always ask God for help. The beauty of love cannot last without the will of God giving it that extra motivation. Even if you put much effort in a relationship, it will not last in God's absence. This can be likened to those brilliant stained glass art we see in Churches. They are nice to look at but we only see their magnificence when sunlight passes through their colored panes. We are the stained glass, God is the sunlight.

WEAKNESS

I remember a quote that my friend wrote to me on a note she passed during freshman economics..

"There are two things that show a person's weakness: Speaking up when it's proper to be silent, and Keeping quiet when it's needed for you to say something.."

Then she quickly followed it up the next day with..

"One-half of the problems in this world come from saying YES too quickly and not saying NO soon enough."

Quotes that I still carry with me everytime I try to convince someone that it's never too late to do the right thing.

My point is why are there people who bask in their laurels yet fail to see the truth of reality? They're busy congratulating themselves too much that they lose sight of what's important. The status-quo does not lie on top of a mountain but on its very foot. Ascending to the top is good as long as you don't let it go to your head. Descending to the top is better -- THE HIGHER YOU FLY, THE LOWER THE EGO (a term taken from Mr. Butch Jimenez) As Ateneans we were made aware of the concept of "BUMABA KA SA BUNDOK"


Anyway, I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and decided to write about it.

Spending time with my family and Vic today made it all better. Dad enjoyed eating lunch at Sumo Sam (shameless plug for Marvin A.) today even if we waited for almost an hour to get a table.